I Lost My Daughter And Then….

Just 18 days ago I lost my 18 year old daughter in a tragic car accident. I’ve recently seen friends of ours who have suffered great loss, use social media as a platform to talk about grief and to share their thoughts on what grieving people need and want.... I usually don’t just VENT to vent... I always try to accompany my venting with a message. So I’ll do my best to do so here in my expressing my thoughts on the early stages of grief….

First, I wanted to take the time to THANK those who have not only sent us condolences the last 3 weeks. And a special THANK YOU to the people who have followed back up to check in on us from time to time. One thing I’ve learned while grieving is that everyone sends positive words & thoughts when the moment it is fresh, but in the following days most lives go back to normal while you’re left to carry the burden of grief for the foreseeable future.... And that feeling of abandonment is exacerbated by social media as you scroll and wonder why someone you hold in high regard can find time to post every 5 minutes about NOTHING but it’s been 2 week since you’ve even received a text... Grrrrrrrrrr! LOL. But even THAT feeling, (even if valid in some cases) is just apart of the natural grieving process. Seeing and even judging everyone through the lens of your pain.. Because honestly, there’s NOTHING wrong with the world moving on! That’s just how things go, especially in this fast forward way that we consume information, discard it, and prepare for the next trending topic. But it’s the understanding of that dynamic that makes it that much more special for friends that have checked back in to say “Hey, didn’t want anything, I’m thinking about you” “do you need anything?” or “can I pray for you?”. Because they don’t HAVE to do that! See, when you’ve experienced a great loss, you don’t need someone to be there everyday or to try and “fix” it for you.. That’s what our faith is for.. God got that part! All we need from our loved ones is an occasional word, a thought, and a prayer from time to time..... Trust me, there’s no tool in existence that can measure the impact of a person simply sending a random text like “Hey man, still praying for you.” I struggled with the uneven terrain of my personal expectations in this regard... As a “public figure” I’ve had to differentiate my expectations between those that know OF me and those that KNOW me.. Thankfully over the last couple of years, God has given me wisdom, peace & understanding when it comes to that so it’s something I feel comfortable speaking on....

I’ve also been alive long enough to know that there can be a confusion, ignorance, or an awkwardness in trying to be there for a grieving person.... I’ve struggle in that capacity myself. Serving so many young people or having family and friends who have suffered loss, I’ve struggled at times in finding the right approach in comforting them and in some cases I just fall back. But one thing the lost of my father and daughter have taught me recently is that my awkwardness in being there for a grieving person is much lighter than the burden of loss carried by the one that grieves.. They shouldn’t have to carry the pain of loss AND the weight of helping you comfortably, comfort..... So as someone who considers myself a “leader”, I now know how important it is to push through social challenges to be a presence for those dealing with loss. Not just SAYING it, but actively seeing what they need and being there for them the best way you can. Because your occasional presence could be apart of the bridge that helps that person make it to the other side of their pain.. The meals, the cards, the flowers, the donations, the texts, the messages, etc have meant more to us than you’ll ever know and has helped our family begin the road in processing this! I’ve had a couple of really rough nights this week and it would be a random text from someone that lifted me from the doldrums that day. Just understand, that a text week could play a big role in helping your friends who are grieving especially early on.

Now... I’m just expressing MY thoughts on MY blog, in part to help those on both sides of the grieving process... I’m not here to debate with you in the comments.... And there’s no reason to hit my inbox copping pleas.. lol It’s all gravy. All is well. Please take what you can from this and hopefully it blesses you in someway. Okay, back to writing....